You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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