So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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