My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
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