he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
