The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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