Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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