Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
