and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
