i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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