a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I look better un-naked...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
