you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
