I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
the raccoons are back...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
