so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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