Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
