Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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