my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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