apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Two words: nipple clamps
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