I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So vagazzling was a success
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
