the condom got lost in my hair
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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