woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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