I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
