Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
