were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
