Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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