Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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