If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
