i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
