there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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