I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
3 2 1 whiskey
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
