I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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