just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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