in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
