I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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