exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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