I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
