Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
