Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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