The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
