Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We smell like vodka and hangover
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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