I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
