He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
