Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
