i was born a porn star she said
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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