this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
