Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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