Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
