I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
