remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
handjob tips. give me some.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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