All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
