Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize