Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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