I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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