i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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