ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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