i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
me + whiskey = a bad person
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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