your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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