im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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