I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
