Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize