I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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