So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
