True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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